Derpetology

If you’re going to adopt a kid, don’t adopt a sentient Burmese python. In retrospect, I blame myself. And the Omnibiocorp marketing department.

“Come inside, Jimmy! It’s cold out.”

“Nooo! I’m having fun!”

“Don’t be stupid, you’re cold-blooded.”

“I’mmm ffffiiinneee.”

“Don’t be a dumb-cloaca, Jimmy! I can’t carry you inside with my bad back. You weigh more than I do!”

“I wwwaaaannnnt ttttoooooo pppplllllaaaaayyyyyy….. Iiiiiii wwwwwaaaaannnnnnnttttttt aaaaannnnn iiiiiicccccceeeee ccccccrrrreeeeaaaaammmmmm………..”

Jimmy lay coiled in the yard, his mouth in a frozen whine.

“Dang it, Jimmy! If you can hear me, just wait until your father gets home with the electric blanket.”

I debated whether the title, a play on herpetology–the study of reptiles like snakes–was too obscure, but since I couldn’t think of anything better, I just went with it.