The Tiktok Talk

Hello son, thanks for coming. Have a seat. Don’t worry, your mother and I just wanted to have a chat with you.

No, it’s not the Talk. We’re a bit concerned about your internet habits. No, it’s not about that. Or even that. Oh dear, we didn’t even know about that. We’ll discuss that later.

To get to the point, it’s Tiktok. And this has nothing to do with your video Fat Dad Fails to Hang Christmas Lights. In hindsight, that was pretty funny and we’re all proud of you for getting 6 million views for it and netting another 10,000 followers. You’re definitely working hard on creating content and we appreciate your dedication.

It’s more about timing and subject matter. I hate to say it, but your ongoing series where you crash funerals and do dances in front of the casket is kind of in poor taste. Fine, it’s in very poor taste. I know the word lawsuit doesn’t mean much to you at your age, but it’s a real thing.

Also, the videos where you break into the school and film yourself destroying sports trophies isn’t satire, it’s an actual crime. Like, a go-to-prison crime.

How do I know about that? Okay, I confess, I have a Tiktok account and I follow you. No, I don’t post videos. No, I’m not going to promise I won’t. That’s none of your business and honestly, I think there might be a niche audience out there for an in-depth analysis of gardening tools. But that’s beside the point.

The thing is, your mother and I feel that Tiktok has become a bad influence on you. These “challenges” that come out every so often are just peer pressure to do terrible things.

Look, I’m not saying you have to join Pinterest, but maybe just Youtube? Would making a few playthrough videos kill you? There have to be alternatives to gyrating around on camera and lip-syncing popular songs in inappropriate locations. I keep hearing about this site called 4Chan. What about that? That sounds nice.