First Day in the Trenches The first day of school was over. A group of shell-shocked first-years sat huddled together in the back of the restaurant. “I knew high school was hard, but . . .” “The twelfth-graders were huge! I honestly feared for my life during first period.” “One of them called me Fartin,”…
Category: Funny
Everything’s a Critic
Everything’s a Critic I pick up the guitar. Eight apprehensive eyes appear, watching like I’m a toddler with a chainsaw. I’ll try Bad Moon Rising. D, first. No, that’s wrong. The eyes widen. I start again. A moan of protest begins. “I see the bad moon a-rising,” I sing, trying desperately to match my voice…
Nip and Tack
Nip and Tack 48 Peacock Lane was breathing comfortably. Structural anesthesiologists were monitoring it, and the surgery crew moved in. “Anything major?” Jim asked the lead surgeon as he assembled a reciprocating saw. “Nah, just light touchup work. Some rotten siding. Cosmetic stuff.” “It’s a new world.” Jim shook his head. “Sometimes I wish houses…
A Bunch of Triangles
A Bunch of Triangles “What were you thinking?” I blushed. “It was an art project, sir.” “Art? What about the Prime Directive? We do not interfere with cultures that haven’t made extraterrestrial contact.” “It was just a bunch of triangles . . .” “Yeah, 500-foot-tall triangles! That’s not going to go unnoticed!” “It was mostly…
The Devil Missed His Connecting Flight to Georgia
The Devil Missed His Connecting Flight to Georgia Harry was taking a walk when a morose imp approached him. “Hey,” it said listlessly. “You want to have a competition? If I win, I get your soul.” “What if I win?” Harry asked. “You get this aluminum kazoo. It’s a kazoo competition.” “Shouldn’t it at least…
The One Labor of Jordan
The One Labor of Jordan Jordan now understood why Lena said that her father was mythologically old school. “Three things you gotta do to date my daughter,” Mr. Iraklidis said, holding up sausage-like digits. “Hey, it usta be twelve. First, clean the cellar steps.” But Jordan could go mythological too. He had no river to…
Boot Reboot
Boot Reboot “What’s this Leagz7 project you’re working on?” the CEO barked. “Seven league boots,” Brad stammered. “Unfortunately, one foot originally traveled 21 miles before the other one moved.” “Huh. Sounds like a crotchal—I mean, crucial design flaw.” “We fixed that with Leagz7 2.0. Now just the boot travels, not the foot.” “Where’s the market…
Hidden Miracles
Hidden Miracles We have the worst traveling miracle-woman ever. First of all, Aurora charges eighty bucks a miracle, and then she ruins your life. Jerry asked for love and Aurora poked his eye out. Kevin asked to get into shape and she killed his dog. Seriously. I asked them if they wanted to get even,…
The Ritual
The Ritual Lantern light glinted on stainless steel as the robed figures entered the kitchen. These figures had been my female relatives earlier that day, but now they were keepers of sacred knowledge. “Flour,” I began. “3 cups,” they chanted. I added it to the bowl. “Eggs.” “Four.” I recited the ingredients my mother had…
G is for Prank
G is for Prank I opened the shed and saw ropes hanging from my bike. Garlic. Of course. Tabitha started it by putting an artichoke on my homeroom chair. My revenge was a liquidly-ripe banana in her pencil case. She stuffed cotton candy in my gym shoes a week later. After that, the pattern was…
The Green-Walled Treehouse 